Disappointment today and more broadly
Feb. 25th, 2021 06:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mtbcI have something of a daily routine. Admittedly, I had difficulty getting to sleep last night so replaced my usual morning workout and shower with more sleep then a bath, which I hoped would make me feel better, at least warmer. Still, I've settled into various things that are now easily managed: what groceries to buy, cooking, washing up, laundry, etc. I am slowly accumulating a set of useful possessions, today including a saw to deal with some of the larger branches lying around the yard. Today's weather was beautiful, though rain is now moving in for the weekend so the firewood can wait.
My work time was unproductive today. I am having to learn things instead of doing things I already know, which requires more alertness and enthusiasm than I actually felt. Not feeling great this morning, I sorted out lunch early, in case I felt better after, then had a couple of things in the calendar that broke up the afternoon a little unfortunately. Tomorrow I should get more uninterrupted time to focus and perhaps I will get more done if I can get more sleep tonight.
I believe that the situation with the house is what weighs on me most. I am less confident in myself, having managed to buy a house that, unnoticed by the inspection, needs so much further work. Sure, it was recently remodeled (and priced accordingly), but so incompetently. I can't arrange my environment to fit how I want to live and what I want to do when various rooms still need work, currently the central living area and kitchen. It feels interminable and costs so many thousands of dollars, I am spending much faster than I earn it, and, on days like today, I don't feel worth my salary anyway. So, I suffer double imposter syndrome, both: can I be good at my work, and do I even have the life skills to use my inheritance wisely. Also, spring is coming and I will soon have to apply money and attention to the kudzu-choked tall trees, not that the inspection mentioned the kudzu.
I repeatedly review my situation and don't see how I can be doing better. My handyman is a competent all-rounder, charges at the lower end of hourly rates, and shows me what issues are then tries to find cheap, lasting solutions. A high fraction of what I am having them fix relates to preserving the house I have (sealing floors and counters, blocking water ingress, replacing rotting wood, etc.) or that should soon pay for themselves (adding insulation, filling gaps to outside air, etc.). I don't see much that I should have done or be doing differently. Perhaps not trust an inspector recommended by my realtor (not the seller's)? Have two inspections? The handyman's taking the time to do a decent job of things which, from this point, seems worth the investment as I do plan to stay here. However, I remain many steps back from where I had expected to now be, and where I am now is hardly comfortable.
My work time was unproductive today. I am having to learn things instead of doing things I already know, which requires more alertness and enthusiasm than I actually felt. Not feeling great this morning, I sorted out lunch early, in case I felt better after, then had a couple of things in the calendar that broke up the afternoon a little unfortunately. Tomorrow I should get more uninterrupted time to focus and perhaps I will get more done if I can get more sleep tonight.
I believe that the situation with the house is what weighs on me most. I am less confident in myself, having managed to buy a house that, unnoticed by the inspection, needs so much further work. Sure, it was recently remodeled (and priced accordingly), but so incompetently. I can't arrange my environment to fit how I want to live and what I want to do when various rooms still need work, currently the central living area and kitchen. It feels interminable and costs so many thousands of dollars, I am spending much faster than I earn it, and, on days like today, I don't feel worth my salary anyway. So, I suffer double imposter syndrome, both: can I be good at my work, and do I even have the life skills to use my inheritance wisely. Also, spring is coming and I will soon have to apply money and attention to the kudzu-choked tall trees, not that the inspection mentioned the kudzu.
I repeatedly review my situation and don't see how I can be doing better. My handyman is a competent all-rounder, charges at the lower end of hourly rates, and shows me what issues are then tries to find cheap, lasting solutions. A high fraction of what I am having them fix relates to preserving the house I have (sealing floors and counters, blocking water ingress, replacing rotting wood, etc.) or that should soon pay for themselves (adding insulation, filling gaps to outside air, etc.). I don't see much that I should have done or be doing differently. Perhaps not trust an inspector recommended by my realtor (not the seller's)? Have two inspections? The handyman's taking the time to do a decent job of things which, from this point, seems worth the investment as I do plan to stay here. However, I remain many steps back from where I had expected to now be, and where I am now is hardly comfortable.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-26 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 11:58 pm (UTC)