Feeling the cold

We have seen some cold weather lately. I did not get to the milk bottle quickly enough this morning and it froze and raised its dairy mass beyond its lid before I brought it in from the doorstep so I then initiated a remediation procedure.

Yesterday morning's events included a journey by ScotRail. For a while we watched workmen unfreeze points, which was quite interesting. Eventually we went a little way and paused, then did the same again. In the end we returned to the station and were moved on to a later train thus making it doubly peopled. Neither of these outbound carriages appeared to be heated: during the journey I kept my gloves and scarf on and lost feeling in some of my toes. As I arrived pre-chilled and little of my business at the other end was indoor, I did not regain that feeling until hours later on the return carriage which was heated. Not an agreeable experience overall.

I was surprised to feel the cold much more than I used to. I do not think the pre-chilling is the whole explanation: I suspect my weight loss is a factor too, despite that it is not as if my toes were ever much fat. Either way, I shall see about procuring for myself some thermal socks.

It makes a considerable impression to see buskers still working on city streets, homeless people seeking change, etc., when the air is below freezing and it is simply much more work to be out there at all. Though, I have noticed that I am more sympathetic to abstract people: more likely to send money to some cause or vote for a higher tax levy or whatever, rather than donate directly to individuals or respond to charity advertisements that feature specific sick children or hunted animals, especially with the suggestion that they may send me photographs or some other kind of status update. It feels hardly Christian of me that I feel less generous when faced with something more personal. I do not feel that a fear of being manipulated is the explanation.

Old worries threatening a return

Sometimes situations worry or annoy me, especially if they remain unresolved. Previously I had found that mindfulness techniques could bring me some welcome perspective and help me to manage these emotions.

I have mentioned having undergone a breakdown many years ago. One legacy of my slow recovery from that has been an additional way of coping with things: an ability to accept possible outcomes that I might once have considered unthinkably dreadful. Before I learned to handle those fears, I greatly wished for some kind of pill I could take that would have me continue to bother with my work, chores, etc. while greatly reducing the degree to which I could be vexed by anything.

Lately I have noticed myself falling back into an old pattern of fretting about things that may not turn out well. It may partly be that I am becoming attached to our current life in Perthshire as a way to keep our children in the same high school until they graduate.

I can still easily recapture the mode of thinking that relieves my concern over what may come but I find that it is decreasingly my default approach. I do not want a return to suffering distracting worry so I will put effort into positively cultivating my ability to cope because it has been a great help and I would like return to a default of not much caring what happens. I would like my concerns to rarely come to mind at all.