Thoughtlessly busy?
Jun. 28th, 2018 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mtbcThis evening I stood with my feet in the grass and regarded the low full moon. Earlier I had been thinking that the sea isn't going to get much warmer around here this year, if I am going to swim at all then there is not much point waiting. Nature provides all manner of astonishing things that are not much part of my life.
Separately in the US, the executive, legislature and judiciary are in combination in such a state that checks and balances are proving ineffective and, regarding what is considered acceptable behavior in politics, the Overton window now seems shifted to something not remotely befitting an enlightened First World democracy. I suspect that in my lifetime I will see large populations suffer horribly as xenophobia and climate change collide under corrupt, mean-spirited governance.
In daily life I find myself largely ignoring such significant things. I am unusually capable in many ways. But, I spend my time focused on holding down a regular software development job to support my family, trying to meet society's expectations, making it so that my children can go to university without thus accruing a lifetime of debt, trying to get enough sleep, etc. I am so occupied by the simple business of living that larger concerns are but an afterthought.
I don't even manage to properly step back and reflect, I am always too distracted by this and that, or feeling too tired.
I try not to be part of the problem but I am not exactly much of the solution either. What is particularly frustrating is a persistent feeling that if only I could see straight then I could be far more effective and also happier. Somehow I feel as if I am squandering the precious gift of being alive and am so deceived by misjudgments that I am missing significant opportunities. As it is, I wonder if people decades hence will look back at this journal and be justly angry that I could have done so much yet didn't because I wasted my attention and effort on the relatively trivial.
Also, being in my forties, my vision already perceptibly declining, having had a colleague severely impacted by repetitive strain injury, I don't know how much useful productivity I have left. At least my current work is useful and so far I notice no cognitive decline.
I also note that I continue having much in mind the thought of how things could be in a few years' time. However, my life certainly has examples of people who worked hard for years toward something that, when it finally seemed to have arrived, they did not even survive for much longer to enjoy it.
Separately in the US, the executive, legislature and judiciary are in combination in such a state that checks and balances are proving ineffective and, regarding what is considered acceptable behavior in politics, the Overton window now seems shifted to something not remotely befitting an enlightened First World democracy. I suspect that in my lifetime I will see large populations suffer horribly as xenophobia and climate change collide under corrupt, mean-spirited governance.
In daily life I find myself largely ignoring such significant things. I am unusually capable in many ways. But, I spend my time focused on holding down a regular software development job to support my family, trying to meet society's expectations, making it so that my children can go to university without thus accruing a lifetime of debt, trying to get enough sleep, etc. I am so occupied by the simple business of living that larger concerns are but an afterthought.
I don't even manage to properly step back and reflect, I am always too distracted by this and that, or feeling too tired.
I try not to be part of the problem but I am not exactly much of the solution either. What is particularly frustrating is a persistent feeling that if only I could see straight then I could be far more effective and also happier. Somehow I feel as if I am squandering the precious gift of being alive and am so deceived by misjudgments that I am missing significant opportunities. As it is, I wonder if people decades hence will look back at this journal and be justly angry that I could have done so much yet didn't because I wasted my attention and effort on the relatively trivial.
Also, being in my forties, my vision already perceptibly declining, having had a colleague severely impacted by repetitive strain injury, I don't know how much useful productivity I have left. At least my current work is useful and so far I notice no cognitive decline.
I also note that I continue having much in mind the thought of how things could be in a few years' time. However, my life certainly has examples of people who worked hard for years toward something that, when it finally seemed to have arrived, they did not even survive for much longer to enjoy it.
