May. 30th, 2017

mtbc: maze H (magenta-black)
I recently mentioned how it had taken all my willpower to get through even that gentler workout. I did not even get that far after work today: I started my workout and was doing as usual physically but I just so could not be bothered with the whole thing and did only a small fraction of it. I felt fed up with doing so many things that I do not want to but feel I ought.

On Sunday I had also mentioned feeling tired. That has been lasting. I have been sleeping fine, well at least solidly unconscious overnight. Still, I have felt tired over the day. In my ongoing effort to familiarize myself with more American literature I am reading John Gardner's The Sunlight Dialogues before bed; last night I forewent that and just laid down to sleep.

I am perhaps suffering some accumulated frustration that my life is not as I would like. I am much more constrained now than I hope to be in the long term but it is the present I inhabit. A lot of what I do with my time is not too bad but is not what I would have chosen. I do try to appreciate how very lucky I am: I have enjoyed sunshine lately, my children are happy and healthy, [personal profile] mst3kmoxie kindly finds and makes us various food, my colleagues at work are nice, the work I do is useful to many, others in my team bear stresses that I am glad in my role to evade, etc. For other personal reasons that I suspect of being relevant, it is an awkward time of year for me so that may simply pass. I envy my children their full-time schooling: yesterday I walked past the Al-Maktoum College advertising courses in Arabic and noted that such has no chance of even making it on to my to-do list.

I indulge a little in pleasant distractions. For example, I enjoy writing in this journal and I watch some television, tonight's being the latest Have I Got News for You (1990). I know that with more spare time at home and less to distract me I would get on with productive things that please me but that is hardly a new thought. My current plan is the usual of just hanging in there and remembering that life is full of surprises.

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Mark T. B. Carroll

July 2017

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