Dreams and romance

Of course I don't recall many of my dreams. When I wake up I feel them melting away rapidly from my memory. One curious thing is that if I do keep a pen and pad of paper by my bed, to write about a dream when I awaken, it turns out that what seemed like a few seconds' memory came with a ton of detailed backstory. Although it is melting away as I furiously scribble to record what I can as I feel it disappearing, that turns into a few hundred words by the time it's gone, about the structure of the society and whatnot. It may be helpful background that I rarely dream about people or places from my real life. For instance, yesterday morning involved a difficult experience on somewhere that seemed like Earth; we had a fairly safe bunker from which we were operating but I was out in the woods on a mission with someone else, and the principal threat was from lethal big black segmented wormy things that could move fast across the ground. I now remember little more but I bet there was plenty of backstory there too.

Science fiction themes are common for me. In particular, varieties of alien invasions and occupations of Earth. If one does ever happen, I'll sure be mentally prepared for it. These are stressful but not nightmarish; I very rarely have a nightmare.

As backstory goes, there are two personal themes that puzzle me: that I am a soldier, used to strapping on some kind of armor and large rifle, and that I live in what seems to me to be Soviet Russia. We sure speak Russian, anyway. I have no actual personal connection to any of that.

I know I am ready to fall asleep when all kinds of weird imaginative thoughts come easily to my mind. I figure that's the dream machinery cranking up.

Anyhow, another dream plot that recurs is that I am in a happy romantic relationship. These are horrible to wake from, leaving me with feelings of love and longing for someone I've then suddenly unexpectedly lost because it turns out that she doesn't actually exist. (I suppose that it's always a she suggests that I truly am basically heterosexual.) Naturally, in some cases she has a Russian name. For example, I still have a nostalgic memory of Аня at a bridge in the cold; she is wearing a woollen hat and gloves, and I can see her breath.

Thinking about this got me to thinking about romantic relationships in general. For instance, there are some women I find immediately attractive. It's not really captured in a photograph, it's something more kinetic and interactive, more deeply a part of them, but whatever it is it's captivating and too much exposure to them might threaten to turn my world upside down. But, I don't think that's got much to do with the question of with whom I could form a good long-term romantic partnership. There are other women who I find less compellingly engaging perhaps, but with whom I nonetheless feel happy, safe, comfortable, relaxed, etc., as if being together is right and just fits and works well.

I have never met anyone for whom I found both to be true: that a few minutes' conversation as strangers left me thinking about her for hours afterward, but with whom I've gone on to have a good, relaxed relationship. Is that very unlikely to happen? How much does it matter? So, I thought, I should think back to these romantic dreams to see if there could be any answers there: maybe my subconscious knows me better than I do. Unfortunately, I remember so little that I don't think my dreams are going to tell me.