mtbc | Mood and motivation (Reply)

I had previously mentioned experiencing some negative moods lately. It felt like a minor version of when I became depressed in 2007. At that time I think that I had let comfortable delusions accumulate over many years then was unpleasantly surprised when I saw through them. Perhaps a small version of that happened again. I feel as if I am on the upside of it now, though I guess I'll have to look out for it repeating in future. I am generally not sure what I want so I am trying to avoid commitments; I am feeling unpleasantly mercurial and will need to settle that down.

I use as a small barometer the degree to which I stay on top of daily chores. I have generally been managing to bother hanging my clothes back up when I undress to go to bed at night, which is actually quite a good sign. I have also been putting clean laundry away fairly promptly. Of late I have been rather unusually skipping maybe a day of swimming per week, enjoying the freedom to stay in bed a little longer instead. When I have gone swimming, it has felt more than usual like a chore to be resisted. This morning I actually looked forward to it again and enjoyed it somewhat, not enormously, but more than I have for a while.

I have also been feeling a little more work-focused. Home work, I mean, not my paid employment, but other computer things that may resurrect my career; I need a better term for it. I haven't done much tangibly on that but it is now feeling a little more like a concrete attractive goal than an abstract duty.