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Increasingly restless
This journal has been quieter lately partly because I am experiencing a new bout of what might be some kind of depression. Back when I was starting to recover from depression many years ago there was a time when I was okay to go on living but my own life had little meaning for me so I felt inclined to just find some useful cause and commit to that, then at least somebody might get some value from my life even if I wasn't. I am not feeling like that this time but I am feeling less patient than usual with my current life. Quite simply, my family depend on me less. My children are transitioning to adulthood and are mostly busy with their own lives and relationships. We all have the same kinds of passport so my family can live where they like regardless of me. My parents passed away some time ago so they no longer depend on me in any way. I find myself increasingly looking to the future. I have enough capital to buy myself a house in the US where I think I would be happy in the long term. Not having to pay rent would reduce my income requirements. Between other capital and my own modest expenses I could afford to have family with me or support them from afar as they choose. It's good to know that the possibility awaits me at my convenience. My assets are still largely in American stocks, mostly conservatively invested but I still plan to wait until after the next administration addresses trade conflicts before cashing out.
I am not in any rush to change anything. Despite my discontentment now and how my personal tasks suffer I remain able to put my paid job first. My work with the Open Microscopy Environment is worthwhile and my colleagues are good people. It may not help that my job has been more stressful again lately but that is more because of pressure from myself than from others; it's one of the inevitable aspects of being back in mainstream enterprise programming which is full of complex, buggy, poorly documented third-party libraries where every update brings new unpleasant surprises. I have requested a couple of weeks off later this winter because I have decided to take a relaxing holiday far away from everything familiar so I can try to step back and see clearly again. When I felt as if my family depended on me more I knew what I had to do and I simply did it. Now I feel as if I am gaining more freedom I am also finding that in my current state of mind I do not feel able to trust my own judgment about larger decisions, I feel too inclined to just move on. Even being willing to spend a bit of money on an impulsive out-of-season holiday is out of character. I may not have as much on the line as I once did but I still need to choose wisely.
I am not in any rush to change anything. Despite my discontentment now and how my personal tasks suffer I remain able to put my paid job first. My work with the Open Microscopy Environment is worthwhile and my colleagues are good people. It may not help that my job has been more stressful again lately but that is more because of pressure from myself than from others; it's one of the inevitable aspects of being back in mainstream enterprise programming which is full of complex, buggy, poorly documented third-party libraries where every update brings new unpleasant surprises. I have requested a couple of weeks off later this winter because I have decided to take a relaxing holiday far away from everything familiar so I can try to step back and see clearly again. When I felt as if my family depended on me more I knew what I had to do and I simply did it. Now I feel as if I am gaining more freedom I am also finding that in my current state of mind I do not feel able to trust my own judgment about larger decisions, I feel too inclined to just move on. Even being willing to spend a bit of money on an impulsive out-of-season holiday is out of character. I may not have as much on the line as I once did but I still need to choose wisely.