![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Falling behind
A few issues mentioned in past entries remain unresolved: the car's rear-view mirror, the annoyance of my cellphone, issues with electric toothbrush heads, etc., though I have put more time into trying to solve them. There are other issues not yet mentioned, like new worrying noises from the other car, more shoddy attitude on OpenBSD lists (and I've still not yet upgraded to 6.2), issues with affixing our cat's scratching pad to the wall, holes appearing in my sweaters, etc.
Some problems would be easily solved by money. Having had more disposable income in the past, I know very well how much easier it makes life: for example, I would just pay the Fiat dealer to sort out the mirror, I would buy a decent cellphone, damaged sweaters matter less if I can afford to replace them; for that last, my current guess is to load the washer/dryer more lightly. However, I am also unproductive: I had been looking forward to taking time off work and I thought that as usual I would rest a bit then feel inclined to do things but I am not ending up feeling rested and energetic.
The cat's scratching pad's a good example of my lack of productivity: a few days ago I obtained screws and fixings, the space for the pad's in sight from where I sit now as is the closet door where the drill reposes but so far nothing's happened. I feel a little burned out. Particularly striking is that for months now I've hardly even read any books; I've even given up borrowing them from the library. For most of my life I read a lot. I also do not have much energy for any remotely challenging kind of social interaction: I find myself inclined to socially withdraw again; I certainly won't be extending my online presence beyond its current low level.
Following the news even lightly doesn't help my mood either. I see such acts from kindness from normal people but the systems our democracies put in place seem filled with cruel deception. I appreciate that running a country is not easy but, regardless of one's feelings on independence referenda and their ilk, I fear that public services and assistance fall far short of even the lowest common denominator of human decency that should be achievable by honest open-eyed officials in any advanced country.
In the background are other concerns. For example, for various reasons I have not been able to exercise recently and may not for a while yet; that bothers me. My resting heart rate is already higher than it has been for well over a year. I also worry that I am a bad parent, finding it too easy to just let my children disappear into using their Android tablets instead of being more assertive and have us eat our evening meal around the dining table or interact in other ways.
In general I don't feel as if I am seeing straight: I can handle the day-to-day concerns but my head does not feel clear enough to see above those. I had hoped that the time off work over the holidays would afford me opportunity to see a way past some of the above, maybe a change in perspective, but I turn out to be far better at worrying about problems than fixing them, sometimes to the extent of losing sleep.
Update: For context, I should mention that this entry isn't asking for help; I've gotten through worse. I just think that it is good to note and share such things.
Some problems would be easily solved by money. Having had more disposable income in the past, I know very well how much easier it makes life: for example, I would just pay the Fiat dealer to sort out the mirror, I would buy a decent cellphone, damaged sweaters matter less if I can afford to replace them; for that last, my current guess is to load the washer/dryer more lightly. However, I am also unproductive: I had been looking forward to taking time off work and I thought that as usual I would rest a bit then feel inclined to do things but I am not ending up feeling rested and energetic.
The cat's scratching pad's a good example of my lack of productivity: a few days ago I obtained screws and fixings, the space for the pad's in sight from where I sit now as is the closet door where the drill reposes but so far nothing's happened. I feel a little burned out. Particularly striking is that for months now I've hardly even read any books; I've even given up borrowing them from the library. For most of my life I read a lot. I also do not have much energy for any remotely challenging kind of social interaction: I find myself inclined to socially withdraw again; I certainly won't be extending my online presence beyond its current low level.
Following the news even lightly doesn't help my mood either. I see such acts from kindness from normal people but the systems our democracies put in place seem filled with cruel deception. I appreciate that running a country is not easy but, regardless of one's feelings on independence referenda and their ilk, I fear that public services and assistance fall far short of even the lowest common denominator of human decency that should be achievable by honest open-eyed officials in any advanced country.
In the background are other concerns. For example, for various reasons I have not been able to exercise recently and may not for a while yet; that bothers me. My resting heart rate is already higher than it has been for well over a year. I also worry that I am a bad parent, finding it too easy to just let my children disappear into using their Android tablets instead of being more assertive and have us eat our evening meal around the dining table or interact in other ways.
In general I don't feel as if I am seeing straight: I can handle the day-to-day concerns but my head does not feel clear enough to see above those. I had hoped that the time off work over the holidays would afford me opportunity to see a way past some of the above, maybe a change in perspective, but I turn out to be far better at worrying about problems than fixing them, sometimes to the extent of losing sleep.
Update: For context, I should mention that this entry isn't asking for help; I've gotten through worse. I just think that it is good to note and share such things.